It started with a whisper deep inside me. An instinct, a pulse, a breath. I ignored it for a long time until it eventually became too loud to disregard. My journey to becoming a puppy wasn't an awakening, but a remembrance of who I always was.
In 2000, the young fox inside me was born. I was with a guy who called himself a fox and was in the military. He had this direct, clear energy that awakened something in me. With him, I experienced for the first time what it means to let go. There was no role, no control, just instinct and closeness. I didn't understand it then, but I felt that something had come alive in me. Something that would never completely sleep again.
A few years later, in 2004, I was in a new relationship. My boyfriend introduced me to the gaming clan LoneWolvesCologne. We were the only two gay members in a group of guys who mostly had families, children, and very different lives. Nevertheless, I was never excluded or ridiculed. I was accepted, respected, and simply seen as part of the group. We met, played, laughed, celebrated victories, and took losses with humor. I was the fox among wolves, different, but welcome and still belonging.
In 2014, my understanding of closeness and trust changed. I was sitting on the couch, relaxed and unaware, when he approached from behind. It happened without warning, completely silently. Suddenly, he put a collar on me. For a moment, I was surprised, defenseless, and completely open. Then I felt something inside me relax. The moment was intense, but not threatening. More like a wave of calm, excitement, and trust. I felt vulnerable yet free, as if someone had opened a door I didn't know existed inside me. Shortly after, I bought myself a leash. Not as a prop, but as a sign. I wanted to feel, play, and experience. At the time, I didn't know that this was the very first step on my path today.
Starting in mid-2017, things became quieter inside me. Work, everyday life, and responsibility dictated my rhythm, and I chased false dreams instead of paying attention to the signs that quietly called me. But deep within me, something remained awake, quiet, and lurking, like a heartbeat I wasn't ready to listen to again.
Dobermans have fascinated me since Resident Evil in 2002âthat mix of elegance, power, and stance. I thought about buying my own mask for a long time, and finally ordered my first one on November 29, 2021. When it arrived in January 2022, I held it in my hands and knew something had begun. The fit wasn't ideal, but the feeling was real. It was as if my inner self breathed a sigh of relief.
Starting in 2022, I was drawn back to CSDs (Pride events). I felt the energy, the freedom, the colors, and the life. It felt good to be out again, even if I wasn't ready to truly show myself yet.
2025 was different. I was searching again for life, energy, rhythm, and movement. Kuro had been there all along, quiet under my skin, curious and ready. I had my mask, but this time I wanted more. I wanted a collar, something I could consciously wear. Something that said: I am here.
So I went to CSD. I wanted to go where life pulsed, where people showed themselves, where nothing was hidden anymore. I mixed with the crowd, breathing in music, light, and voices. And then I saw them: the puppies. Playing, free, alive. In that moment, the world held its breath.
It was as if something broke open inside me. The fox, the wolf, the Dobermanâeverything I had carried within me became one. No doubt, no hesitation, no maybe. Only certainty.
I felt calm, clarity, and pride. Kuro was no longer just a thought, but a part of the world. On that day, I stepped forward. Not as a mask, but as a truth. That was my pack call. My beginning as a Puppy.
